Let Me In
by CpdHalstudfan
Summary: A rewrite of Chicago pd episode 4x17 because linstead deserved better! First Fanfiction


All that could be heard this morning in the empty gym was the banging of weights being used. Jay Halstead couldn't sleep and decided that maybe coming to the gym would clear his mind. There were too many thoughts running through his head, but the one he couldn't get rid of was, "Why is she calling me?"

Over the past week Jay had been receiving phone calls from an old friend from his unit, Abby, who he hadn't spoken to in over eight years. She never left a message and Jay knew that if he called her it would open a can of worms he wasn't ready for. There was just too much history. Too much pain. Too much coping but not truly coping.

Jay and Addy were the best of friends over in Afghanistan. They both came to war with family issues at home because parts of their families weren't proud of their decision to join the military. Abby's mother wanted her to stay home and become a housewife, give her the grandchildren she desired. Jay's father wanted him to follow in his footsteps and keep the Halstead tradition of becoming a doctor. When Abby and Jay met in boot camp they became close friends. They were there for each other and the members of their unit. They had each other's backs on and off the front line. They became each other's family nothing more, nothing less.

They went through a lot together. Many of their friends were lost during their time overseas, and it didn't stop when they came home either. Their time spent over in Kantar wasn't pretty, they were less proud than they should be, and because of that they did many things to try to cope with their issues. Mostly they drank until they couldn't see or feel it anymore. They wanted to stop the pain. They wanted to stop the different emotions running through them. First they felt anger over the things they did and saw overseas. They felt sadness because of all the people they lost, people who were their family and they never were able to grieve properly. They hated looking into the eyes of a family member of a fallen brother or sister. That's when the guilt kicked in. How they weren't able to save them. How they weren't able to get them home. They wanted to forget, but forgetting was harder than it looked and seemed. Alcohol was there, alcohol made everything go away for just a little bit of time and Abby and Jay used it as their crutch.

The worst of the drinking started after Jay's mother past away. Abby was there for them the entire time because that's what family did. Abby and Mouse were the only two people Jay and his mother had. Although Mouse wasn't around the entire time, he would poke his head in and out to check in with the three to make sure everyone was doing alright. That's just how Mouse was and actually one of the many reason that nickname stuck.

Jay's sorry excuse of a father didn't stick around to help his wife. Jay's brother Will wasn't able to cope, he ran off to New York and partied hard and slept around. Abby was there just like she promised she always would be because Jay was her brother.

Once Mrs. Halstead passed away, the drinking happened constantly, and Jay and Abby became floaters. They would drink all day and all night and float around from city to city, state to state because they didn't really have anything stopping them. They were each other's family. They felt like if they had each other and alcohol that's all they needed to get by.

The day they got the call about Cap being killed overseas was one of the worst. The amount of alcohol consumed really should have killed them both. They would black out and not even know where they were, what day it was, and they knew it would only get worse after the funeral. When they arrived in Vegas the first and only stop they made was to the first bar they saw. They wanted to have a drink and make a toast to their fallen brother. At least then they were able to put a limit on how much they drank because they didn't want to show up drunk to Cap's funeral.

They did what they both hated the most at his funeral, spoke to Cap's family. The pain and sadness they saw almost took the life from both of them there on the spot. It was too much, it all just became too much. After the funeral they hit up that same bar from before. From there Jay didn't really know what happened except when he finally woke up a day later Mouse was dragging his ass back to Chicago, and Abby was no where to be found.

"Bang!"

Jay turned so quick to the sound he felt like he could have given himself whiplash. The memories going through Jay's mind were stopped by another gym member dropping his weights.

Jay whispered to himself, "What are you doing to yourself man? You know you're home. You're at the gym, not there..."

If anything that sound made him realize this trip down memory lane wasn't going to be an easy one to work through. Jay wiped the sweat from his forehead and decided then and there that today he would call her back to get to the bottom of why she was calling once and for all.

/

I'm going to need a few of these today Jay thought to himself as he poured his cup of coffee in the break room. He knew today was going to be a rough one after the restless night he had, along with the thoughts running through his head.

Jay heard footsteps come into the break room and he knew who it was. He was already ashamed of himself for leaving her this morning without telling her where he was going. He just didn't want to have her worry about him, even though he knew that was going to happen no matter what. He had this feeling that she knew something was going on. He couldn't put his finger on why, but he knew. Maybe she just knows me too well, Jay thought with a slight smile.

Erin walked into work knowing exactly who she was looking for. She's been worried about him for a little while now. He's been acting different, like he was hiding something and she just wanted to help. Come on Jay. Just talk to me, Erin thought as she spotted him through the window of the break room. Erin took a peak around to make sure they had some privacy before asking a question that had consumed her thoughts all morning.

"Hey, you snuck out this morning," Erin lightly questioned Jay. I'm worried Jay. I trust you but I just want to know what's going on with you.

"Oh, umm yeah I just went to the gym early. I needed to clear my head," Jay replied. God I don't want to hurt you but I don't know what's going on up here, Jay thought. What a shit answer I just gave her, and I didn't want her to worry. God I'm an idiot...

Erin felt a slight panic. What's going on in that head of yours. What do you need to clear your mind of babe? "Anything you want to talk about," Erin replied. Please. Please just talk to me...

Jay just felt like complete shit. Here was his beautiful girlfriend just trying to help him and he had no fucking clue on how to talk about what was going on. God, did he wish he didn't come with his own baggage. "Nah, it's nothing important," Jay said as he rubbed Erin's shoulder, although his mind was racing. God she deserves better than me. If she only realized all I've done. All the baggage that is here. If I wasn't already the scum of the earth, here I am lying to the one person I never want to lie too. Jay gave her a small smile to try to make his words stick even though in his mind he was thinking everything else.

"Okay." Erin replied If you say so... but I don't believe you, her thoughts contradicting her words.

At the sound of a few more footsteps entering the room Jay and Erin turned to look and saw Platt walking in with Jay's brother Will. "I thought they were rousting vagrants when this one stumbled in. Hey Erin," Platt stated to the group and then walked straight out. She obviously only acknowledged Erin which they all found kind of funny. No one was shocked by this because everyone knew Platt loved Erin.

"What's up Dr. Halstead," Erin smirked and teased Will as she walked out of the room, but not without a slight shoulder punch.

"Oh, you know, just staying out of trouble," said Will.

"Yeah, uh-huh," Erin replied because everyone knew that's the last thing this Halstead brother did. Heck at the moment he was living with his girlfriend but had feelings for another girl, but that was a whole different issue to get into.

Once Erin was out of ear shot Will robotically turned towards his little brother. Will knew this was going to be in interesting conversation. "So... umm... Abby tracked me down," Will said, breaking the news to his little brother. Even though Will wasn't around for his brother and mother when his mother was dying, he knew all about Abby. She randomly called him a few times to give him shit about not being there for his brother and mother during that time, but he hadn't talked to her since then. So this was all a shock to Will, to get tracked down by Abby. Her turning up now was concerning to him which was why he came to visit his brother about it.

Jay passed Will a coffee. "Uh, yeah, umm I probably should have warned you. She called me a few times too". She's calling my brother? What the hell? Jay didn't know what to do now.

"Oh alright, then you knew she was in Chicago?" Will said before taking a sip of his newly poured coffee.

Jay lost a breath. What? She's here? She hasn't been here in eight years! "... She's here?" Jay questioned his brother. He thought that maybe he heard him wrong, this was all just confusing to him.

"Yup she's here, she's looking for you, she said..."

Two loud taps on the break room doorframe interrupted Will. "Hey we've got to go," Erin called from the doorway.

"Umm does Erin know about the two of you?" Will asked, concerned for his brother and his girlfriend.

"Umm, no, nothing but I've got to go," Jay hit his brother's shoulder on the way out.

Well oh shit. This is going to start trouble,thought Will as he took a sip of his coffee.

/

The drive back from the hospital was quiet. Neither Jay or Erin knew what to say. It was obvious Erin was frustrated about something, but what Jay couldn't figure out. He had a list to choose from. Was she frustrated with him or this case or the girl? During the visit at the hospital she was questioning the young girl hard. Jay felt uncomfortable for the girl, and wasn't sure why Erin was being so abrupt with her when they really didn't know what was going on. Erin was usually the one who was calm and collected. The one who usually got the kids to talk willingly, not the one who tried to force information from them. The more Jay thought about Erin's behavior the more he began to think he caused it. God why am I doing this to her. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't need to deal with my shit.

As Jay rolled up to the district to park the truck he knew he should say something, but Erin hopped right out of the truck and started walking. They both shivered as they headed towards the building. That's when Jay turned and noticed her. God she's changed a lot in eight years. Jay was glad to see she looked better because that meant she must not be here because she was drunk or still going through the pain he was still trying to push down.

"Um, I'll meet you inside," Jay said to Erin as he started to walk towards the woman Erin didn't recognize.

Who is that? Is that who's been messaging Jay's phone? Erin thought as she eyed the woman up and down. Erin wasn't the jealous type because she trusted Jay with all her heart. But Erin had noticed over the past week a woman named Abby had been blowing up Jay's phone. She hasn't seen him reply. She also hasn't read any of those messages because she wasn't that type of person either. "What are you signing autographs?" joked Erin as she looked over to the woman again.

"I'll explain later," chuckled Jay, "I'll meet you inside."

Jay walked towards his old friend, and Erin continued her pace to the building. I'm asking him today about this Abby. I don't care how many times I talked myself out of it because I wanted him to tell me willingly, I'm asking, Erin thought as she continued surveying the woman while making her way inside.

"Abby, what are you doing here?,"Jay rushed out with a breath. He didn't realize how much seeing her again was going to mess with him. He should've known, heck just her calling and messaging messed with his head.

"I was just waiting for you. I've been trying to reach you for a little while now. Never heard back... I got worried. So I drove up here to see you and finally talk to you." Abby was nervous. She didn't know how Jay was going to react because the last time he saw her she disappeared and never reached out. She made sure he was never able to find her. He needed to figure out everything without you,thought Abby. You did the right thing. Once you explain, it will all be worked out.

Jay looked around the parking lot. He couldn't keep looking at her when she said she was worried about him. It kind of pissed him off. Like hell you were worry about me. You up and left me for eight fucking years! You left me. Family doesn't leave...

Jay cleared his throat, "It's like negative five out here, you want to talk inside?" Jay asked unable to really meet her eyes because he still had anger coursing through him.

"Yeah," Abby replied with a smile.

Jay lead the way into the roll up.

"So, umm what, you going to lock me up?" joked Abby once she saw the cage.

Very funny. Maybe I should because who knows with you. You do like to up and leave people, Jay thought sarcastically. "Maybe, to keep you in one place." That comment started an awkward silence. Both knowing what that comment meant. "Ahem, so what's up?" Jay finally asked.

Jay's question broke her out of her thoughts. "Um I needed to talk to you. It's kind of important and when you never called and messaged back, I...Wilson was killed, last week."

That news made Jay's knees buckle and he sat down on the table behind him. Kenny Wilson was a brother from their unit. Wilson saved both of their lives multiple times. He was just a kid when he joined their unit. Growing up he was in and out of different group homes. He always told them how he never really felt like he had a home till he met them and the unit. It was always a running joke because he felt the safest in the most unsafe location just because he had them. He didn't have anyone besides them. Unshed tears came to both their eyes as they thought about their friend.

"What..." Jay cleared his throat because he felt his voice quiver, "happened?"

Abby cleared her throat because hearing and seeing Jay get so upset over this was hurting her. She didn't want to see him slide back to where he was the last time she saw him, full of guilt. He always felt so guilty...

"A land mine. He, was going to save a member of his unit. He was running towards him and just...Jay..."

She noticed Jay stand up and start to pace. The telling sign that too many thoughts were running through his mind. She had no doubt in her mind he was thinking a lot into this, already feeling guilty about Wilson's death.

Jay took a deep breath as he tried to think, but he couldn't think because all he felt was a million emotions running through his head. I cannot deal with this right now. I can't...

"That's not all Jay. He had it written that he wanted us to take care of his funeral and that he wanted us there... and any guys who can come from our unit. He just wanted us to do it because we were the first family he ever had."

Jay let out another long choppy breath. I can't deal with this. I don't know how. "So... umm what do we do? Do you have a plan? Where we are doing this and stuff? Please have a plan. You always had the plans. You had the best plans...

"Yeah Jay, I actually set it all up... but I wanted to go over it with you to make sure it sounds like something Wilson would like. You know? I feel like you could make sure it's all good, and then we can do it this week. Maybe we can met up and talk it out over drinks?" Abby noticed the hesitance on Jay's face. "I'm only here the rest of the week. I, wanted to get this done, for Wilson..."

"Yeah, ahem, sure drinks sound good. Tomorrow good?" Jay replied as he looked around the room. Jay couldn't meet her eyes right now. He just wanted to get out of there, he felt helpless.

"That's perfect! The same bar as old times, okay? I'll see you tomorrow." Abby turned around and started out the door. "Hey I meant to tell you... I'm happy for you Jay. Everything you've done in your life. It's more than I could have hoped for, I'm really happy." At that Abby walked out the door they came in from.

Jay's heart and head literally hurt. The emotions and thoughts were literally eating him up. His heart started to beat too fast for his liking, and his breath started to become short and choppy. Jay whispered to himself, "Calm down. It's okay. You're okay. Your friends and family are okay. Deep breath." Jay took a few deep breaths to calm down before he ascended the stairs.

/

Another drive in silence. Although this time Erin didn't let Jay drive. She got right in the drivers seat and sped off toward the district before he was even seat belted in. Jay was one hundred percent positive this all was because of him, and it caused him even more stress. I'm truly hurting her. She's so mad and hurt because of me... Why can't I stop hurting the ones I care about... She literally could have gotten us killed, although my concern is mostly about Erin's wellbeing. It's always about Erin's wellbeing. I have to make this right. I have to...

Once they made it back to the district, Erin went right into the break room for coffee, Jay trailed in behind her. Jay started to mess around at the snack rack to think about how to say everything on his mind. He didn't know where to start, or even what to say. That had always been an issue for him. He always got on her case about not sharing her past and here he was, not able to do the same thing. She's always been stronger and better than me and she never realized it. I always did.

"Who's Abby?" Erin asked as she took a deep breath. She looked towards Jay and watched the shock go through his body.

How does she know her name? Jay thought as he also tried to rack his brain on how to do this.

"She's been blowing up your phone... um she's sent like 5 text while you were in the shower last week. I've been waiting for you to tell me who this chick is, but it looks like I'm going to have to ask..." Erin said with a sad and much deeper tone than normal.

Jay nodded his head. He knew he had to do this. Jay went to shut the door to give them more privacy, then headed towards Erin. God she doesn't even sound mad. Just disappointed but that's even worse. Why am I putting her through this pain. She doesn't deserve this...

Once Jay stopped in front of her and he looked into her eyes he got choked up again. Every time he tried to start he got stopped by his mind. I probably look like a fish getting air right now. I'm such an idiot.

"Umm. Abby ran Cultural Support with my unit during my last tour in Kantar, but I don't want to lie to you, she was more than just some member of my unit. I met her first when I joined, at boot camp. We became friends fast. Like best friends. She wasn't grouped in my unit during my first tour, but we stayed close because she was still stationed at the same barracks. She became my family..." Jay took a breath because he felt his voice quiver. "Like my sister...During my second tour she was grouped with my unit. It was great because I knew I could protect her, you know, keep her safe like she kept me. She was hurt during the same... as Mouse and I... we all were sent home together. She was there with my mom and I while she fought her... I haven't seen her in eight years. She came today and told me W... a friend didn't make... and that he asked if we could plan the funeral..." Jay finished speaking and dropped his head.

During Jay's entire speech Erin's mind was all over the place, but she was mostly just worried about how this was effecting her boyfriend. She noticed during this that he really wasn't telling her the deeper issues. He was staying on the surface. Telling her what he thought was best for her to hear. Just let me in Jay. I know you still have your demons. I saw that when Mouse reenlisted. I just want you to open up to me. I'm worried.

Jay also had many things running through his mind. Relief that he was able to get some stuff off his chest. Not as much as she that he put her through any of this, and shame. He was ashamed he had this baggage that he couldn't figure out and in the process of not figuring it out he was just hurting the woman he loved with all his heart.

"Hey Guys! We have the composite!" yelled Burgess from outside the room. They knew they had to wrap this up... for now. "We'll finish this later," Erin replied as she touched Jay's dropped head.

As Erin walked out to check out the composite, Jay whispered under his breath, "I don't want to hurt you."

/

When Jay walked into the bar he spotted her instantly. She was in the same spot they sat all those years ago to drown their sorrows. Pretty much this is where they came to forget.

"Hey Abby," Jay spoke as he sat down and eyed the drink waiting for him.

"Hey! I was starting to think you bailed on me," smirked Abby.

"Hmm, yeah I'm not the one that does that though, huh.." Jay spoke out kind of bitterly. Ugh I fucking let anger get the best of me. What the fucks wrong with me. This isn't the time or place to bring these issues up...

"Jay..." Abby whispered. The hurt on her face was obvious, the unshed tears in her eyes. She knew she let him down. She knew he didn't understand. He wouldn't. He wasn't in the room when she said her goodbyes to Mrs. Halstead, the woman who became a second mother to her.

Jay's anger came to the surface because he couldn't take seeing her sad. He couldn't understand where that was coming from. She was the one that left and made sure she couldn't be found. "No! We were family. We promised, you promised we would look out for each other always. I woke up the day after Cap's funeral and you were gone. Gone! Mouse had to drag me home, made me fix my shit, signed me up for the Academy, but where were you? Because I tried to call, I tried to make sure you were alright, but you made it impossible to reach you. You bailed..." once Jay finished he took a shaky breath.

"Jay, can you just hear me out, please..." Abby's tears were finally released. She knew he didn't understand but hearing him actually speak those words hurt. "I did what I did because I had to do what was right. I did that to take care of you. I had to get you away from me. I was only feeding your issues, we were in the same boat going downstream together and the next stop wasn't good. I promised your mom..." Abby choked back a sob. "I promised your mom I would make sure you kept your head on straight, and I didn't keep my promise. When I woke to the morning after Cap's funeral you were still blacked out. I called Mouse... I knew Mouse would make sure you got home. I knew Mouse would be able to set you right. I couldn't do it. Mouse helped me before he took you home. He bought me a ticket home, to my mom's. He told me I had to go make things right for myself, and he was right. I wasn't the one who was supposed to dig you out of that hole. I didn't know how to because I had to fix myself. Please understand," Abby finished in a whisper.

Jay sat there in shock. He never realized her promise to his mother. Never realized that SHE was the reason Mouse came out of no where like normal to save his ass. She did all this for him. Without her doing any of this, he probably wouldn't be here. I forgive her.

"I, I didn't realize any of that Abby. I'm sorry. What I said to you earlier, that was out of line. I, umm understand Ab. I forgive you..." Jay whispered his apology. "I'm glad you were able to make things right with your mom. I'm glad you were able to make things right for yourself. And I'm glad you were able to make things right, right now."

"I still have a lot of making up to do, and I understand if you want to keep distance from me. Honestly it's probably for the best, what we have, the history, it's only going to keep tearing us down. But you have to know I'm always looking out for you. I will always want the best for you," Abby spoke with her voice finally getting back to normal.

"That's all I've ever wanted for you too Abby," Jay stated with a soft smile.

/

Laughter between the two old friends was heard throughout the bar. After discussing Wilson's funeral plans, the two started to reminisce about old times.

"Remember that time Wilson ran through the showers with nothing on but his Kevlar vest," Jay spoke through laughter.

"Well the Lieutenant said all outdoor activity needs to be conducted in body armor," giggled Abby. "You remember he had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his ass!"

Jay let out a huge laugh and replied, "Wait! Is that what he told you! That was his dog's name!" More laughter fell between the friends.

"You know it was good seeing you" Jay said with a smirk. "I didn't think it would be."

"You know I never told you that I loved you, ever. I never told you. I did. I really did. You're the best brother a girl could've asked for," Abby finished with a smile.

Jay smiled. He knew. He always knew. "I knew Abby. I loved you too," Jay whispered as he stood up and kissed the side of her head. "I'll see you in a couple days for Wilson, okay."

/

When Erin finally got home she expected to see Jay sitting on the couch watching tv, or really spacing out because he knew they were going to talk and was overthinking. She wasn't mad. She was worried and all she wanted to do was help him through his issues. She wanted to help him out of this hole he uncovered and seal it up as much as she could. Erin thought that maybe he wasn't home yet because he wasn't on the couch, but then she spotted his keys. He must be in the bedroom.

When Erin rounded the corner what she saw literally made her heart stop. Why is he packing? Where is he going? He can't leave. He said he didn't want me to come and go. I don't want him to come and go either.

"Hey," Jay said with a quiet breath. I can't do this. I'm hurting her no matter what I do. If I stay I have too much baggage that I can't even figure out myself. If I leave...

"Umm hey..." Erin didn't know what to think. what are you thinking right now Jay? How do I stop this.

"I'm going to go stay at Will's. Just for a little while..." Jay told Erin.

"You don't have to do that," Erin spoke and thought please don't do that.

There was a long silence in the room. You could feel the emotions. Sadness. Regret. Shame. Guilty. Hurt.

"...I love you... And I want to stay. Uh, who I was back then. I'm not proud of it. And, umm, I know you think that, that everything's behind but it's not. And I can't drag you down with me. I don't want to drag you down. I don't think I should be here right now..." Jay spoke with tears in his eyes and a shaky breath. I can't hurt you anymore. Staying there's a chance I can hurt you more...

"Whatever it is, I can handle it," Erin's comment started off strong but turned into a whisper.

Jay let out a breath and shook his head. He ducked his head down and leaned into Erin. He had to hold her. Erin closed her eyes and grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry..."Jay whispered in her ear.

Erin wasn't going to give up without one last declaration. She raised her head and lifted his chin with her left hand. When his head was raised his eyes were still shut. Erin spoke in a soft but strong voice. "Jay, listen to me. Whatever it is you're going through. I want to help you through it. I can handle it. Give me a chance to help you. That's all I want, you just have to open up to me. You can't keep it bottled up. Give me a chance to help you, like you've helped me. We promised in the locker room to always have each other's back. Let me help you. You don't need to open up to me right now. Just let's work on it, together. Please, Jay."

When Jay finally opened his eyes and made eye contact with Erin, she saw a slight nod. At that moment she knew they we heading in the right direction. No matter how slow, at least it was in the right direction.


End file.
